1. A carpet steam cleaner. Otherwise your carpet will gross you out after a very short time.
2. Walls painted with latex enamel paint…so you can clean off all those things that end up on the walls, while you remind yourself not to even ask what they are.
3. Crates of Band-Aids and buckets of Neosporin. And maybe some stock in both companies…
4. Gallons of Lysol.
5. An inside source for sales on boys’ shoes, because they go through sneakers faster than Speedy Gonzales.
6. A sense of humor…because you have to laugh sometimes, or cry your eyes out…and laughing won’t mess up your mascara…if you actually managed to get mascara on between breaking up fight number 782 and 783.
7. A cast iron stomach.
8. Batteries…oh the batteries.
9. A relatively high tolerance for potty humor, continuous nerf gun strikes, obnoxiousness, toilet seat battles, bugs and dirt.
10. A plunger, a pipe snake and full knowledge where your outside clean-out is.
11. Eyes in the back of your head, and an awareness of where the closest ER is located.
12. A steady supply of wine, margaritas, beer or other restorative cocktails.
13. Full knowledge of all Star Wars characters, the color of their light sabers and why knowing this is important.
14. The ability to bellow “because I said so” in such a manner that it could be heard in the middle of a hurricane.
15. The patience of a saint, because once the little boogers can walk and talk, they have no limits to the havoc they can wreak, even if they look adorable while doing it.